I am
very forgetful that I can barely remember what happened to me this month, but I
am very certain of one incident that caused why I never forgot the other
details of my September 2015. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after I got back
from Siquijor on the first of September. He’s actually the ex-boyfriend that I
had in senior high school and the man whom I have completely fallen in love
with for years now. We’ve been back together just this year, now that he’s
already twenty-two while I’m already nineteen.
The recent break-up did not
really bother me because we were good friends. I thought everything would still
be the same – we would still be the same. Well, I considered a very few changes
in terms of communicating each other. Then, we still saw each other and talked
to each other. However, an hour or two after the first time we saw each other
and talked to each other after the break-up, I did not expect to hear what I
had heard from my parents. It hurt me. My parents just saw him with his
girlfriend and told me about the painfully infuriating incident. It hurt me, really. I seriously did not
expect that to happen right after we served flirtatious smiles for each other,
doubled up good laughs for one another, and had random crazy discussions together.
It seriously hurts that until now it makes me cry. Actually, what hurts me the
most is the part where my parents had to see it and tell me all about it. My
family knows how much I love him. It hurt me. It really did. I kept on wishing
what I heard from them was wrong, but when I asked him about it through a text
message and though only through a text message, I got really infuriated by the
confirmation that he gave me. I did not even want to talk to him at that point.
I was really hurt that I even wished he was just kidding or he was not the man
whom my parents saw. But that was impossible! My dad really knows the man whom
I love. He was so sure.
Nights after that, I’d admit I had always cried. Days
after, I’d come to school with an evidence of misery written all over my face. I
was really depressed that most of the time I’d end up holding my tears back in
public. I was so sad. And unluckily, I still am. I do not know why he had to
break my heart just like that. I was not prepared for that. He could have told
me so I could have prepared myself! I can’t help but look down to myself though
I know I am always good enough. I can’t even help but wonder if his new
girlfriend is so much better than me. It’s so sad that sometimes I have to ask
myself, “So where’s me who’s so confident about herself, who thinks she’s worthy
of love and sincerity?” It’s depressing. I
have to go on though my heart’s broken.
I
had to hold my tears back after some time in our house because I already felt
so embarrassed of repeatedly crying and crying in front of my family. I do not
want to hurt them. In school, I had to do my best to act normal – smile, laugh,
and joke around with my friends. Also, I had to pretend I was still listening
to and interested in whatever is taught in school though it was really hard for
me to pretend and concentrate. I was very lonely but God is so good that He
makes sure I always have someone with me and I have so much to do that they are
all already piled up in mountains as most of the time I am unmotivated to do
all those, so they are stuck at the moment. I know He is making ways to make me
happy, get motivated, and continue with my life. I really appreciate it, but
still, with all honesty, at times I do not feel content. I know I am being mean
but I just want to be honest. And I feel so awful for feeling this way. I feel
guilty, but I can’t help but feel unhappy. I know I am hard-headed, I want to
get things my way, and I am being a brat, but I swear I want to understand
this, be open to this, but it’s so hard. It’s unfair, I know. I am sorry but I
am not. I am not brave enough. I just want to get through the pain. Lord, help me. Please forgive me.
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