A Letter to the Fifteen-Year Old Me

Dear fifteen-year old Sarah,

              How’ve you been? It’s really been a long while.

            I remember you. You were too immature. You were a cry-baby. You easily cry on little things which are not even worth a waste of your tears. You were even too impulsive upon making decisions. You were just too young. You didn’t understand how things work out that’s why you easily get hurt and, much worse, you hurt you yourself alone.

            I feel quite sorry and sad about that, but that was part of growth. You needed those because you need to have regrets and realizations. This is in order to become a better individual who had had her own experiences too and who can talk and act through her own experiences. When you become a grown-up, you realize that it is much better to go through all those because you’d understand life much even better.

            I hope you’re happy you’ve gone through that one heck of a roller coaster ride in your life. Take care. God bless you.

Lovingly yours,                   

19-year old me                   

If I Had One Day Left to Live

            If I only had 24 more hours to live starting this second, then I’d try to make the best out of the time left to me. I know I had not been the best or the greatest person in the world, so I’d start with making up with my family and friends. I want them to remember me in the best way possible. I want them to see me happy though I’ll soon be leaving. I’d want to spend the rest of my day with them in the beach, enjoy the sun, and play around as if it’s the last party they’ll ever attend to. I want their last memory about me to be fun and happy. I wouldn’t want to leave the people I love with loneliness. After spending the day with them, I’d go to a place somewhere special where I’d meet the guy who had my heart ever since time in memorial. I’d tell him or confess to him my real feelings for him. I would not want to leave with regrets, thus it’s better to speak up and tell him about my feelings. After all, he won’t ever see me again. Then, I’d take one last ride on my bike going nowhere and end up in the beach, waiting for another day to start again and my day to end in a sleep.

An Ideal Commitment

             What do I see as an ideal marriage? An ideal marriage to me would be a marriage full of love and faithfulness. It is very simple yet it is too difficult to find nowadays. It’s a commitment that my partner and I would partake. We would vow never to leave each other’s side and to shower everyday with love. Everyday we would make each other feel the love we have inside our marriage. Everyday we would take care of each other. Everyday we would be each other’s best friend; we would share the same secrets. Everyday we would make each other happy and content. Everyday we would make time to spend the day and the night together. Together we would build the same dreams for our own family. Together we would raise and love our children unconditionally. Together we would take care of them. Together we would make them beautiful individuals with values and virtues. Together we would preach the same words of God. And in times of great tests of faith, together we would face the trials on our marriage and our family. Together we would find solutions to our dilemma. Together we would fight for our marriage and keep our family together.

              Along all of these must be respect for each other. We must both respect each other’s decision and weigh everything without prejudice. We would never give up on each other. We would avoid hurting each other. We would be truthful to each other. We would be patient in everything. We would endure in everything in the name of love. Each of us would try to become the best partner to the other. We would sacrifice to save our relationship. We would never think of breaking up or divorce. We would be strong for each other.

To the Beach

            At some points in my life, I just want to disappear and escape my life. At these times, I want to go to the beach and spend some time alone. I want to be with the sea, the waves. I think the beach is the most peaceful comfort I’d ever have. It surely won’t talk. It would just listen. I can even scream at it if I want to. However, I’d prefer to just sit on the sand and stare at it. The silence in the beach is the most comforting company I’d ever have. It’s to the beach I want to go to if the pressure is just too much. However, still, though this is the case, I find myself riding and travelling to no particular direction when everything’s just too much, when I can’t take things anymore. I just want to feel the wind against me and release everything by just driving it all away. Sometimes I just feel that the bike that I am driving and my spirit are one. It’s really a connection that I feel everytime I drive and explore the roads on my own.

If Eyes Were Placed Elsewhere

            If eyes were placed elsewhere, then there would be too much to adjust to. I guess it would be very difficult. And if it’s the case, I wonder if we’d still look as appealing as we are right now. Also, we would get confused as to how stare or look at things and people. I really can’t imagine having our eyes placed elsewhere. If it were placed at the back, then probably we would start practicing walking backwards. If it were placed on our hands, then it would easily get irritated and infected, since our hands hold just whatever without precautions. If it were placed on our shoulders, then there is 99.99% chance of literally bumping into each other as our eyes would be facing the skies above unless if we take too much effort to slouch like a hunchback just to see what’s in front of us. It’s way too unimaginable! There are too many possibilities. However, if this would become a real case, then I guess we just have to adjust, adapt, and practice. We always have to cope up. Whatever happens, it’s a matter of living life.

A Pen

I guess a pen would represent me; the ink is my life. If I were not well taken care of, if I were made to stand and never to rest (in a horizontal position), and if I fall hard on the ground, then I would never work as effectively and as efficiently as I used to when you first held me. Just like a pen, if I fall so hard on the ground, I would work but not that fluidly anymore; you would see how much I’m ruined and shaken inside. If you try to sip my ink back just like what a child would do if his pen won’t work anymore, then try harder because getting me back from where we set off takes a lot of patience and if you do it the wrong way, you might as well regret coming back for me as the ink would spurt in your mouth.

A September I'd Always Remember

            I am very forgetful that I can barely remember what happened to me this month, but I am very certain of one incident that caused why I never forgot the other details of my September 2015. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after I got back from Siquijor on the first of September. He’s actually the ex-boyfriend that I had in senior high school and the man whom I have completely fallen in love with for years now. We’ve been back together just this year, now that he’s already twenty-two while I’m already nineteen.

The recent break-up did not really bother me because we were good friends. I thought everything would still be the same – we would still be the same. Well, I considered a very few changes in terms of communicating each other. Then, we still saw each other and talked to each other. However, an hour or two after the first time we saw each other and talked to each other after the break-up, I did not expect to hear what I had heard from my parents. It hurt me. My parents just saw him with his girlfriend and told me about the painfully infuriating incident.  It hurt me, really. I seriously did not expect that to happen right after we served flirtatious smiles for each other, doubled up good laughs for one another, and had random crazy discussions together. It seriously hurts that until now it makes me cry. Actually, what hurts me the most is the part where my parents had to see it and tell me all about it. My family knows how much I love him. It hurt me. It really did. I kept on wishing what I heard from them was wrong, but when I asked him about it through a text message and though only through a text message, I got really infuriated by the confirmation that he gave me. I did not even want to talk to him at that point. I was really hurt that I even wished he was just kidding or he was not the man whom my parents saw. But that was impossible! My dad really knows the man whom I love. He was so sure.

Nights after that, I’d admit I had always cried. Days after, I’d come to school with an evidence of misery written all over my face. I was really depressed that most of the time I’d end up holding my tears back in public. I was so sad. And unluckily, I still am. I do not know why he had to break my heart just like that. I was not prepared for that. He could have told me so I could have prepared myself! I can’t help but look down to myself though I know I am always good enough. I can’t even help but wonder if his new girlfriend is so much better than me. It’s so sad that sometimes I have to ask myself, “So where’s me who’s so confident about herself, who thinks she’s worthy of love and sincerity?” It’s depressing. I have to go on though my heart’s broken.

I had to hold my tears back after some time in our house because I already felt so embarrassed of repeatedly crying and crying in front of my family. I do not want to hurt them. In school, I had to do my best to act normal – smile, laugh, and joke around with my friends. Also, I had to pretend I was still listening to and interested in whatever is taught in school though it was really hard for me to pretend and concentrate. I was very lonely but God is so good that He makes sure I always have someone with me and I have so much to do that they are all already piled up in mountains as most of the time I am unmotivated to do all those, so they are stuck at the moment. I know He is making ways to make me happy, get motivated, and continue with my life. I really appreciate it, but still, with all honesty, at times I do not feel content. I know I am being mean but I just want to be honest. And I feel so awful for feeling this way. I feel guilty, but I can’t help but feel unhappy. I know I am hard-headed, I want to get things my way, and I am being a brat, but I swear I want to understand this, be open to this, but it’s so hard. It’s unfair, I know. I am sorry but I am not. I am not brave enough. I just want to get through the pain. Lord, help me. Please forgive me.

When there’s no power...

1) Grab a book. Choose a book from your shelf and take time to read it. Books take us to the cheapest movie houses.

2) Go out. Stroll and hang out with some friends.

3) Play. Spend time with the rest of the family and enjoy the moment together.

4) Joyride. Ride and travel in content. Fresh air would do us good.

5) Hike. Hike to a farm in the mountains. Stay and help there.

6) Enjoy the day in the beach. Swim, dive, run, and play in the beach.

7) Write. Write a poem, a short story, or a novel which would speak for us.

8) Sleep. A good sleep makes a good day, a beautiful woman, and a clear head.

9) Make friends in other places. It’s good to have a lot of acquaintances and friends; they cause happiness.

10) Laugh and talk with everyone around. This is the best past time.

11) Answer questions on general knowledge. Aside from having fun, this helps the mind think critically.

12) Cross-stitch, paint, and create artistic crafts. This improves our creativity.

The 15th

                This photo was taken in 2013, and I look very happy here. I remember I really wanted to pose beside that booth entrance. And now this is making me laugh. I can’t believe I was enticed by that booth entrance. Well, that wasn’t how I was supposed to pose and smile. The longer I look at this photo, the more I realize and regret things that weren’t suppose to come or go in ways that they are taking right now.

                Now I see my old hair which was very straight and black. It was even very shiny. Then today it’s not. It’s wavy and highly uncontrollable. Well, anyway, I still love it. It just changed. Then, look at that! I look very tall in this picture which really makes me proud. I really love towering (literally) among others. However, I just look tall here because of my blouse. Well, it’s okay. I’m still tall after all.

Gone and Dead

One day you came,

Thought you brought a game,

Hated you for months,

Cared less in thousandths

But when I got torn,

You saved me like I was born

It blew me like a hurricane

Ironically removing all the pain.

I learned love

Like in the skies above

Brought me too high,

Making me fly,

Always we were together,

We held one another.

I was sure you’d never let go,

but was never sure I’d stoop so low

-    getting away from you

Like you to me would never do.

Left you broken,

Surely all cares were forgotten;

I thought you were fine

But no, I crossed the line,

I was no better –

Thought we could stay away from each other,

Didn’t realize you needed me;

Didn’t know in my life too I needed thee,

Lonely were you but I didn’t know,

I was sorry; regrets took me in a mighty blow.

I came back

But with no luck,

I was too late;

What for me you felt was already hate.

You pushed me away,

Almost begged to you to let me stay,

There agony was,

Loneliness and regrets contained as I must.

In years I tried,

I pretended and lied

To myself that I be in content

With a heart not bent.

But fortune was there,

God would always care,

Got it healed,

Moved on and faced life in the field

Then came one day

Sooner than your birthday,

I decided to surprise you

As what a friend – an old friend – would do

To make you happy

-    a part of saying sorry.

Thought I was really ready for one comeback,

But was wrong when I heard one knock –

It was the feeling –

That for years I had been keeping.

Suddenly then everything came in,

It’s love spelled back just like what it had been.

Panic rushed,

Had excuses so it’d be washed

But excuses got me no excuse

When everything turned loose,

He got me so captivated,

Then again we dated

But it became strange;

I really expected a lot to change

But then hated when it eventually happened,

My cheeks got usually dampened

And I’d always asked then

To him what did ever happen,

What have I done?

He’s changed like I didn’t expect he can.

It was one single thread –

Holding us together until we bled;

I kept holding on

Though I know I weighed a ton

That the thread can never pull

While he was acting like a fool

He left me in a snap

-    thought I’d forget it in a nap

And in stupidity I thought

Still it’d be the same – everything he brought—

It’d be alright

Like there’s still light.

Then there’s a big “no”

For me to know:

Everything was a fantasy,

No more he and me,

He got me torn

Like he hasn’t even got me reborn,

Nothing has he got to remember

When it’s my heart he tore in September

Didn’t realize that one day he’s sure

He’d leave me without Love’s cure;

Didn’t know his reasons,

Was it time?

Or is it just the two of us with no rhyme?

Surprise was no word to describe,

To Hades my soul I’d even bribe

To forget the pain inside

Have him again by my side

But then agony

Has known me

No stopping,

Fluidly it’s taking

My soul which knows all pain,

Suffering  forever in bane.

I’m no glad,

Know forever I think I’d be this sad,

In nights I cry in silence

In mornings loud in defense

Of grief rushing, taking me over

Like not in the world would matter;

Now the me in me is already in bed

                Long gone and dead.

Both: Good and Bad

Good versus evil? Well, both really exist, and one thing’s for sure: not an individual in this world is purely good or purely evil. Yes, we may say that there exist good people; however, these people always have an ill or evil side in them. Of course, not one of us is perfect. We commit mistakes. Temptations or chances of committing mistakes and sins are just every corner waiting for us to take a go on them. That is why no matter how good the person is, he/she is still subject to make bad/evil/ill things. There is not a person who is entirely good. We always have lapses, limitations, imperfections...

The most beautiful smile I ever saw...

                In the many years that I have been living here on earth, I had only seen the most beautiful smile in one person. I don’t know why but that smile has really captivated me. It is unique. It’s really one of a kind! It’s the combination of shyness, happiness, and sincerity. I guess that smile is just the most beautiful smile because it was never practiced; it has become a constant habit of its owner.

Fear

                Fear is what’s always holding us back. It’s what’s keeping us from sailing away because we become afraid of the huge ocean waves, the depth of the sea, the dangerous sea creatures, the storms, the pirates, or whatever we may encounter along our voyage. We’re even afraid the ship would sink. It’s what’s keeping us stranded on the shore, never achieving, never testing the waters. We don’t get too far because we remain, we stay. But fear’s what’s keeping us safe. Though sometimes it’s cowardice, it’s still the safest measure. It’s the safest as it would keep us from getting hurt, getting frustrated, and getting rejected. Logically, we fear because of these. And to fear is the only way to keep ourselves away from these because fear gives way to hesitations that provide escapes.

Our Siquijor Journey

      

            Last August 29, 2015, we sailed to the beautiful island of Siquijor. As the ship that we were on maneuvered to the sea port, I had immediately recognized a familiar setting which caused not a hormone inside me to get too enthralled by the island. Siquijor, as I first saw it, was just like other islands that I have been to before. It was like seeing Santander, Cebu or more likely visiting Samal Island again. It only meant that nothing has really caught my interest there. But that was the environmental case! I was, on the other hand, very excited and happy to spend the weekend with my co-English Aficionados and our professor, since it’s the very first weekend vacation that we’re spending together in one house.

            We stayed at the place of Carlo’s uncle. It was a very nice place, igniting some feeling of having to like Siquijor. Also, the family who humbly welcomed us in their abode was very accommodating, making me feel so overwhelmed by the hospitality that they were exhibiting to us.

            When we reached the house, we took naps and our lunch. After some time, we immediately started exploring Siquijor, particularly San Juan. We went to the Capilay’s Spring Park which was a real example of how beautiful nature is and how God is so artistic. Then I was amazed! I was so amazed that I knew right then and there that Siquijor has a lot more to offer. I enjoyed swimming in the cool spring there. We were having a lot of fun, always. Then, we went to the oh-so-amazing white beach. My jaw almost dropped as it was too beautiful. It was much more beautiful than that of Samal Island’s beaches. The sands were really fine. The water was amazingly warm and clear. There were sea weeds, but the sea still looked so enticing. I took some sand there and took time by myself. It made me realize how God has blessed Siquijor with beauties. And I thanked Him for that and, of course, for bringing me there. It was an honor.

            That evening, before we had supper, I read to them a story of some rats. After supper, we were gathered for a little talent night outside the two-storey house. It was very peaceful out there that we were the only ones making noises. We presented different talents and had a good night.

            The next day we rose up early for a morning walk, and then I helped in preparing our food for the day’s trip. It was really difficult for me, but I took time and effort to accomplish it. I wanted to learn anyway. Then off we go for an island tour. We stopped at the Balete tree where there was a spring with fish spa first and had our feet tickled by the school of fish, eating the calluses on our feet. Then, we stopped to light some candles and pray in an old Roman Catholic Church. Next stop was at Cambugahay Falls where we were very thrilled of the activity of hanging and swinging on a rope and jumping off the waterfalls. The feeling was very refreshing and it totally made me feel like I was on top of the world. Jumping off that falls was one of the things that I am proud to say I did and I have finished.

            Actually, after that, we never really wanted to leave and go, but we had to because we needed to reach Salagdoong Beach Resort by lunch time. And there we were, too awed by what Salagdoong has to offer. And I would keep on repeating that beautiful word. No words can describe how artistically Salagdoong was shaped into perfection. It was like a big ocean pool. The view was just too wonderful and inviting. Of course, the view wasn’t just for our eyes; it was to be explored, and so the exploration goes. 

            From Salagdoong, we stopped on another spring park of mangroves. It actually reminded me of Father Trupa’s home by the sea side. It also had nooks built and rooted on the sea floor. It was breath-taking!

            That night we had an unexpected discussion among the group. That was really surprising! Really! But still, we’ve concluded the journey back to Dumaguete happily.

            

It's You I praise,

One I'd glorify always.

Thank You for today,

Loving me everyday,

Guiding me so I see,

And making me me.

Each day, it's to forgive

I wish You to give.

'cause You're forever kind,

Please empty my heart and mind

With evil thoughts and deeds,

And help me with my needs,

I love You, Father,

I'd rather

Do good and believe,

In my faith I'd live,

Forever I'd be a daughter,

To You my faith won't waiver.

Parachute

I'm falling off the cliff,
But heck no! Where's the parachute?
I wanna use it,
Show you I can float in the air,
And land smoothly on the sand.

My Partner Photographer in the Island of Siquijor

Jemar Jumawan

Right before we left the abode of the kind family who gladly welcomed us in their home, I took this photograph of my partner and uploaded it first among all her other photos. I believe this shows how she is as a person, a lady who does not back down and is always optimistic about life.

Fish spa - this was! This marks the first time I took an image of my photo buddy's legs dipped in the spring water near the big Balete tree where a school of fish were after our feet's calluses.

This was really candid! This was taken while we were outside the church, lighting candles. And I can't help but include this shot among all those I consider her best shots. For those who do not know, I greatly and I admittedly admire Jemar's faith in the Lord and His ways.

 The pictures below show how highly photogenic my camera buddy is. All I told her was to pose. Then, here! She's made all these without much orders. She's a natural!

Oh, this one really got me! That diving platform is too high, but Jemar was never afraid to step on that. It is one of the many reasons why I admire her. She's bold and brave. I'm proud of her.

This one was taken on a slide from the large rock formation of Salagdoong Beach Resort to its wonderful basin of clear sea water. And I uploaded this for one reason - to show my partner's carefree side.

This was taken before we left Siquijor Island for Dumaguete City. This is my partner's sweet side.

          I'm very glad I got the chance of capturing these moments with Jemar. I did not only get the chance of working with her but also the chance of learning more about her. This sweet lady from Mindanao has other personalities, beautiful personalities in her. She is blessed with optimism, wisdom, and great faith. Kudos to an inspiration,

Jubilant

Effortless

Modest

Amazing

Responsible...