Buckling, Waiting

Embrace me, complete me,
          What did I do, tell me
I know yesterday I had it
          Done and got others beat
But why me now?
Isn't this just too much, tell me how

          I have to, get back

               Set my act with some luck
Tell me, I'm buckling up,
          I'm just waiting for that pop.

No More

          The cut's too deep
Something I would not like to keep;
          Bless me, love me,
This time be pain-free,
          It has just been too much
               It's my chest I clutch
Is it now high time
          To get through with a squeezed lime
Forget the memory, ignore,
          Let go 'cause there's no more?

No Credit

I love it,
Give me no credit
It's simple
But nothing so easy to handle
Tell me, be merry,
I'd then be lovely.

Just Me and You

We're crazy, madly
Just so silly,
Nothing serious,
Everything's hilarious
What can we do?
It's just me and you!

Journal

My Physical Features

                I am a lady and is expected to have the typical features of a human being. Thus, I have a face and a pair of shoulders, arms, elbows, hands, legs, knees, and feet. However, I still differ from other human beings because my physical features have their own unique kind of cells which contain my DNA. Speaking of my DNA, well, they have managed to provide me with dark beautiful skin which was then considered by other kids as ugly but then I do not care anymore; I found it more attractive each passing day. Along with my dark complexion is my brown hair which was a originally a black and a healthy straight hair. I actually had it dyed with red, brown, and violet – resulting to brown today. I usually have it cut short because I can’t bear having a hair reaching my chest. Anyways, the DNAs in my body have created big bright dark eyes, and I love the way they have designed my eyelashes. Moreover, they have formed the modern Filipino nose on my face, designed my cheeky cheeks, molded my pink and full lips, and carved my chin.

                Connecting my head to my body is my unusually-shaped neck. It is not the typical long sexy neck but it is a medium-sized full neck. It has what I call “little bellies” attached to it. Down my neck are the bones that I totally love watching in my photographs – my collar bones. Although I love almost all of the parts of my body, I consider my bellies as exemptions sometimes. I do not hate them either. I am aware of the fact that I come from families of big people and I am grateful for it. It is of great advantage. I am tall and being tall feels good. I tower among my petite friends. I also feel blessed to have a proportionate body without having awkward sizes of breasts, buttocks, and legs that would abnormally match my tall and chubby body. Though my body has its scars, I am very thankful that I am complete.

Five Years from Now

                In the last nineteen years that I have come to know and experience life here on earth, I have managed to come up with a lot of aspirations in my life. Just like any other child, I also had a list of what I wanted to become. When I was in the third grade, I started dreaming of a profession that I wanted. I wanted to become a teacher like our Nanay – our grandmother. However, I got really frustrated when I had learned about the dirty grading schemes of some of the other teachers who had been my teachers then, since they were playing favorites. I really got very disappointed to the point that I hated being a teacher. Thus, when I reached the higher grades in elementary and the years in high school, I wanted to become these: designer, flight attendant, CPA, PMA-yer, mechanical engineer and/or writer/journalist – never a teacher again. However, when I was about to become a freshman college student, my father enrolled me in any of the College of education’s programs. I was fine, just fine, by it as he gave me the chance to choose my area of specialization. And today I am stuck with it.

                As I am already a senior Bachelor of Secondary Education English major today, I could just imagine what kind of life awaits me in the near future. I could be in a four-walled classroom teaching a bunch of teenagers five years from now. I could still come home to my family of sweet and loving parents and two dear sisters in the afternoon. Then, I would be writing lesson plans and preparing for classroom instruction at night. It would be a typical teacher routine. I guess I would have to do a variation and study to earn master’s degree. Eventually, I would study and try to earn for a doctorate. However, my life in the next five years could be a whole new chapter that would be totally different from my BSED program today. I could be enrolled in a mechanical engineering program, since I have always wanted it. I always want to get involved with engines and mechanical engineering tasks. But at the end of the day, no one really knows what would happen to my life but God, and I entrust everything to Him.

My Kind of Quote

                “Death is a happy ending that everyone must go through.” This quote is just one among my favorites. I actually had it derived from classic American Literature authors who see death as nothing to be feared. Their works tell the undeniable truths about the subject matter death. Authors like William Cullen Bryant and Emily Dickinson are just a few of the authors who have dealt with death like a common subject that is not to be mourned about but instead embraced. I guess the reason why I was dragged to create my own quotation about it is that death is rarely dealt with ease and acceptance though everyone knows that it is inevitable. Thus, I want to let everyone know that it is not a subject of sadness or sentimentality. I want to preach how Bryant and Dickinson had it seen. For an instance, Bryant had seen death like sleep in his poem Thanatopsis. In the poem, an important factor of why most of the people fear death is their consciousness of time which is obviously, for me, an element borrowed and temporary for human beings.

                This quote popped out of my head early in 2015 after realizing the points of the authors aforementioned. Well, I strongly believe that the time and the life that we spend here on Earth are just lent to us, so they have to be taken away after some time. Now why did I see death as a happy ending? Well, yes, I admit that I cried when my grandpa passed away when I was sixteen. However, I think that was because I knew I lost him, I knew that I would just be holding on to our memories together, and I will not ever see him again. I did not see the points that right then, I should have been happier because he would find rest, he would not suffer anymore, he has already completed his life’s voyage, and he would find home in God’s kingdom. Those were the details that I have not taken into consideration. I did not see that those are the reasons why death makes everyone a happy ending. Now I have realized that if we love somebody, we just have to let them go, let them be happy and allow ourselves to be happy. Then, if Death would come and fetch us, we would just have to come along with him and accept our own blissful finale.

My Heartbeat Song

                Songs constantly remind us of the realities in the world. Songs sing to us the truths of life. Songs, at the same time, provide comfort. They can express what we are feeling and the feelings that we try to hold back and keep to ourselves. They can be our secret outlets. The music they make can make us want to dance, hum, or sing along. The lyrics they contain can make us want to laugh, cry, or smile. They make us relate our life experiences to their lyrics. And this is because they are made out of others’ life experiences too. This is why they speak the truth.

                Among the billions of songs in the entire world, I did not have any favorite because if I had, it was just passing. However, when I thought about it, two songs played in my mind. First is the hip-hop song “I Love You So”. I used to love it before as we also used to dance with it. I love the rhythm that it creates and loved the lyrics that I have made myself relate to before. “One Love” is next. It is already an old song, but then I love it because of its lyrics and music. It has this instrumental music that can be likened to a xylophone or a lyre, creating euphony to my ears. Then, I realized I love “One Love” more today because I can still relate to its lyrics, for its universality, because one love in “One Love” can be the love that I feel for my family, for my friends, to the other people around me, and to God. And one line that I love the most from the song is the line, “All we need is love, one love.”

My Plate of Favorites

                Food? That brings me pleasure. It helps me survive day by day and I eat any of it.  In addition, I have this certain “plate rule” towards food; that is to finish whatever is on my plate until nothing’s left on it. This is due to the fact that not everyone can have three complete meals everyday and I am very fortunate to be able to eat more than three times a day, so I should not waste the food that I have. However, I still have my own favorites among food. Most of my favorites come along with cheese, egg, and milk. When it comes to meals, I would really love eggs, sunny-side-ups in particular, on my plate. Whatever happens, I would always love it and would never get enough of it, may it be served during breakfast, lunch, or dinner. It would not matter to me.

Among desserts, number one to my heart is the dessert macaroni. Though it does not have some eggs on it, it has the two that I love the most – milk and cheese. I love anything with milk and cheese, obviously. Number two to me is “carbonara” which looks like a white pasta which also has milk and cheese. Number three is chocolate ice cream. Obviously, most kids love chocolates and I was one of those and is one lady who still does today. Moreover, ice cream has milk. 8. Hooray to dairy products! I guess there would not be any questions as to what is my favorite drink, since clearly it is milk. Well, I could eat anything edible and drink anything as long as it is safe.

My Much-Loved Ones

                Favorite person? Oh no! I know a lot of people but then I do not have any idea of who to write about because I do not want to have biases. I have two most favorite people, my parents. It may be silly but if I take any of my parents as subject matter to this, then I know I would feel guilty because I know I love them both equally and I like them in the same degree but in different manners. If I write about one of my siblings, then I would also feel guilty because I have two younger sisters who are adorable, talented, and intelligent whom I love equally. If I write about any of my close friends, including my best friend, then I would feel like a traitor because I do not want my close friends to feel that I have biases because I always love people  in the same degrees as to where they belong in my life but then in different manners. I am lost right now. Then again, I should write for an output. Thus, I have decided to entitle this “My Much-Loved Ones.”

                First and foremost, I love my parents and they are my most favorite among my favorites. There is no question to that even if I always get scolded. Well, I understand. Next to them are my sisters, Chooey and Chappy, whom I also quarrel with at times. However, and in spite of such, we still get along very well, we still care for each other, and we love each other. We also have this mutual bond that we only understand and I think it is a natural instinct.Well, when it comes to my family, I behave with altruism and they do too towards each member in the family. Now though I have a best friend, I also have lots of close friends whom I do not want to feel as if I left them behind. My best friend, Eunice, has been always there for me for more than nine years and though we are complete opposites, our relationship has been the great, for our personalities complement each other, for she and I are very honest to each other. My other close friends whom I have met not that long but I have already loved dearly are Bam-Bam, Elma, Crix, Jezzel, Rexan, and Clyde who have also been real to me and who have shown me love and care despite our differences. That is all about my much-loved ones.

My Triumphs

                Triumphs, victories, achievements – these are the rewards of life. All these are products of patience and perseverance. But what do we really mean by these? Are triumphs the awards that we get in school and in contests? If it is the case, then I have my own triumphs written in the ribbons from my elementary years, in the sash, in the certificates, and in the medals from my high school years. But are these really victories? Are these not just pieces that determine superficial accomplishments considered by human beings as great achievements?

                I do not think that pieces as shallow as such should be considered as victories or success. To me, we achieve success by accomplishing milestones towards our dreams and completing our dreams. Other than that, it could be realizing things that are much more important and realizing that nothing could ever replace the feeling that I have towards finishing it. I think one triumph for me is having to realize that I need God and I need the people around me. Other than that, I also think that being able to understand others without judging them and jumping into conclusions is one of my victories. Others include those times that I had taken milestones towards my dreams. However, in the end, success is determined on how we choose to live our lives. It mainly depends on how’s.

My Aspirations

                Dreams, aspirations, desires – make us who we are. These have always inspired us all to strive and battle with the cruelties in the world. These make us want to wake up each day and to live life because we all know that sooner all of these will be achieved – creating us our happy endings even if I consider death as the happy ending of every life; achieving our dreams could be a part of it too. Thus, making a few dreams for me would make my life story a superb epilogue. Well, what makes anyone happy makes a closer leap to a happy life which would, in the long run, make up a grand finale. As for me, a grand finale would be achieving my dreams for my family, myself, and God. I would like to be a part in the attainment of my family’s dreams and their dreams for me with the help and the guidance of God’s words. After accomplishing such, I would focus on realizing my own dreams and God’s dreams for me. But who knows what would really happen to my life? I believe it has already been written and I am just here to put words into action.

                Ever since I was a child, I already had dreams of my own. They were silly ones then. Then, they have become the serious ones. I started dreaming of being a fashion designer, a flight attendant to becoming a Certified Public Accountant, a PMA-yer, a mechanical engineer, a writer/journalist, and a lawyer. However, I ended up with the program Bachelor of Secondary Education in college. I guess I would just have to attain all of these dreams in every other era. What I have to do today is deal with this and do what I have to in order to please my parents and make my family proud. The greatest achievement that I would ever have would be achieving my family’s dreams. On the other hand, the greatest spiritual attainment that I could ever have is the accomplishment of God’s will. I will always look forward to the very day that I would be able to achieve these dreams and complete my life story.

My Beloved Parents

                Born on the 26^th of February 1996 was me, the eldest daughter of Rowena Oliveros Elusfa and Alfredo Elnar Gaer. My parents met in the town of Zamboanguita. They fell in love with each other. Then, there is me. They love me and I love them both too. My mother is from Panicupan, Pikit, Cotabato while my father is from Zamboanguita, Negros Oriental. They are both in their 40s now. They are both sweet and loving parents. However, they are still two complete opposite people. But I guess two opposite poles really do attract.

                I grew up with both of my parents but I am much attached to my father although I was with my mother most of the time when we were kids, since she was still a housewife then. When I was younger, I would really get worried if my father would come home late which was then early in the evening because he used to put me to sleep. I can only sleep then if my father would rub my eyelids gently while my eyes were closed. On the other hand, our mother taught us most of the basics like proper etiquettes, some household chores, and values. Our mother started working as an SPI employee, editing works for publication, in Bacong when I was in the fourth grade and my youngest sister was in Kindergarten 2. I used to bring my sister then along with me in my classes and let her sit-in because our father is also working as a driver in our municipality. Then, our mother transferred and she started working in our local government unit when I was in high school. Though that was the case, I, including my sisters, was still closer to our father because our relationship with him was already bonded tightly ever since our mother worked at SPI (considering her different shifts). But today, we are all closer to each other. Sometimes it just looks like we are closer to our father because we are much comfortable joking around with him but the truth is we love our mother and father dearly and equally.

Someone I Know in the Class

                Jokes and puns – these are things I always hear from her. She is kind and very fun to be with though her looks tell the opposite. She looks really strict and evil because of her eyebrows and facial expressions but she is not.

June 30, 2015

“When I am famous...”

                Hello Diary!

                I’m back with new thoughts. Well, I’ve been thinking about my future lately. We’ll never know what tomorrow really has to offer, but I’ve already created my own picture of tomorrow. You see, I was thinking about being famous. I think that someday, one day in my life, I’d be famous for just a day. Don’t worry. I’m not thinking about being infamous so I won’t do something stupid and gain notoriety to get so known in my country.

                I have realized that someday I might get to be some kind of J.K. Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, or E.L. James who all became very famous for the books that they’ve written. Wait, I’m not saying that I’d be writing stuff that E.L. James is writing about. I’m not discriminating her work, but it is not just my stuff. Anyway, I’d become famous like them, for writing great plots, getting my readers hooked. Then, people would buy my book and it’d be a best-seller so they would have me sign it. After such, I’d be awarded as a Nobel Prize winner. I’d feel really flattered. I would then have to face press conferences about my book and eventually, someone would offer to film it. Isn’t that just great?

                   Geez! That is really something! What do you think of me being famous as a writer huh?

The Tale of the Rabbits

                Once upon a time in the farm of Lithospheria there lived a thousand of rats who made use of the thousands of hectares of corn fields as their source of livelihood in Lithospheria. They mainly relied on the corns that the lands produced to live and survive. Thus, they had always prayed for bountiful harvests to their god. Blissfully, their prayers were always granted. However, just like any other stories, there were villains in the story of the Lithosperian Rats too. These were the cruel and ruthless Snakes who also depended on the poor Lithospherian Rats.

                The Snakes and the Rats of Lithospheria had actually had a good relationship at the start. They agreed on sharing the harvests of the little Rats to themselves to stop the Snakes from eating the poor Rats. This agreement worked for a while but as years passed by, the Snakes grew bigger in number and started to feed on the poor Rats. The Rats then kept on praying for much more bountiful harvests, but then it wasn’t granted to them, for they only had a few field workers who can barely keep up with the demands of time that the Snakes were asking for. Thus, one night, the eldest of the rats called for a meeting about their situation. He asked the rest of their community to think of a solution or they would become extinct. One of the young ones suggested to pray to their god to make them bigger and transform them into creatures who’d be much more bigger than of the snakes who might attack them. The room got a bit chaotic because of the suggestion so the leader called for votes. Surprisingly, most of them agreed on the suggestion so they all prayed to their god non-stop until sunrise. When the sun started to rise, they all glowed as they all became larger, their feet got larger and longer, while their ears got longer just enough to hear an approaching snake.

                That day the newly transformed Rats returned to the fields to work, but as they’d hear the Snakes coming, they’d all rush out of the fields. Then, they realized that they already needed to leave Lithospheria for the snakes to suffer and learn to survive on their own. From then on, they journeyed to a new place, changed their lifestyle, and called themselves Rabbits.

Jessie J’s Masterpiece

Music? I think that’s the best friend that I have ever had in secret. Most of the time, I am really confused over who between us is the keeper. Well, I can’t talk to it, and I speak through it sometimes. It’s so confusing! Anyways, it really hit me hard when I heard one of its pieces, Jessie J’s “Masterpiece.” Well, that song is really powerful that its hits can get anyone to realize a lot of the good ones about him or her. The song actually speaks a lot about and for me. It’s like my spokesperson.

                Every time I hear the song, I actually sing along to it and I can’t even refrain from replaying it all over again. I guess it’s because it speaks of all the memories that have brought me to where I am right now. It speaks of the attitude that I have. It begins with telling how I wouldn’t and I don’t care about the others’ opinions about me because I have my own life, this is just the way I am, I have my own dreams, and I have to fulfill them. It actually reminds me of the people who spend time discussing or gossiping about others, jumping into conclusions which were not even proven, and after that, judging these people whom they talk about. I really hate that, and getting into the situation of being talked about has already become ordinary to me, and I got used to it. I won’t mind those petty thinking that petty thinkers do. It also reminds me of the times when people had their own doubts of what I can and could do and when people didn’t believe that I am capable of matters least expected from me. Well, “I am so much better than that and I can always do better than that” – this is what’s instilled in my mind. It is also what the song is screaming to me. Other than such, the piece tells me that it is okay if I have made mistakes because “I’m still working on my masterpiece” which means “I am [still] perfectly incomplete.” It would definitely tell how it’s okay to create mistakes, to mess up, and to fall down on my knees because I am still in the process of building up my life. Now I remember the times that I had myself embarrassed for not being able to stand firm for what could have been right then. It brings me to the bitter days of my past wherein I have regretted a lot. But today there’s hope and someday “[I’ll] hang with the greats.”

“I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.”

                I look upon the sky and I see a reason why. I’m thinking there could be one shooting star which might just happen to grant me one wish. But there’s none. There’s not even a single star in the sky. The moon’s out of sight. It’s really dark, and everything would be black without the artificial lights. Now how I wish the rain would stop and there’d be one shooting star for me to wish upon. But then again, if there’d be one, would it make my wish come true? I know of the superstition that once a shooting star passes by, I should make a wish because it would definitely grant me one wish. But what if a thousand has already made a wish upon that star? Would it still grant mine? Would it not only grant one wish and that’d belong to the first person who has seen and made a wish at it?

                I hope it still would because I would actually wish for only one thing. I wish I would have the ability to please the Lord. I want to please Him because I want to be worthy of being called His daughter. I believe that pleasing Him is very difficult, considering the earthly pleasures that we have and the standards that men have put up. These make me choose between man’s standards and the Lord’s. It’s really hard, but if this wish of mine be granted, then I’d be able to easily give the earthly pleasures and standards that men had created up, I’d finally become a master who’d be a slave of my own slaves, I’d finally set on my own voyage, preaching the words of God, I’d experience real life, and I’d be truly and genuinely happy. Though some of these can take me away from my family and my life today, I’d still be complete, for these are the sacrifices that I know I must have to do to be worthy of being called His daughter. Now I just wish my wish come true.

Outside My Window

                We’ll never know of tomorrow. No one can ever predict what is going to happen, not even the new devices discovered and invented by the scientists and inventors today. Now what if tomorrow I’d be locked up in a room with only one window to look out for the next six months? That’d be strange! But what if that happens?

                If that happens, I think I’d only want to see a view of some grassland with terrestrial animals on my only window. I have come to really think of it. I would not want to see a view of houses with my family and friends in it during those months. I know I’d surely miss them and the feeling would really be heartbreaking – having been isolated from the people I love. If I have this view of terrestrial animals like lions, tigers, and jaguars, then I would be able to keep myself up and doing some real thinking, since what I’d have to do is just watch and observe them. It would be a first time in person so I won’t ever feel bored. This is because I know I’d be thinking too critically upon figuring out the lifestyle of these animals. I know I’d go gaga proving the facts that I’ve gotten from the TV. I think that’d be great. I would really have to have to exhaust my brain. I think that’s the beauty of having to know and meet strangers in life. We keep figuring them out.

The Lock

                This morning Anna received a box from a mysterious person. Actually, she forgot to ask the courier from whom it was or just even read from the papers that she signed. Thus, she immediately opened the box to see if there is a note inside. She got so taken aback by what she saw. It was not the note that got her really flabbergasted but the big lock. It was the biggest lock that she had ever seen.

                That lock was actually sent by her lover, Dan. He is currently in Baguio, too far away from Dumaguete, the place where Anna resides. He sent it to Anna with a note that says, “You take it forever with you, Anna.” He sent it to let Anna know that only Anna can hold the lock to his heart. He has been in love with her for five years and he wants to get married to her when he gets back.

                Meanwhile, Anna who has been Dan’s girlfriend for three years had goose bumps. The note was actually encoded, so she was suspecting that a stranger to her or someone who had been stalking or trying to scare her sent it. She had these in mind as she had seen these from the TV programs and movies that she watched lately. Fortunately, Dan sent her a text message, giving her a hint of the sender.

The Photograph

Today is my third day as a photographer in Alice Department Store. My shift is already over, but I cannot get one of the families that I have taken photos of out of my mind. What happened back there in the store’s photo booth keeps on replaying in my head. I felt some uneasiness when I first took the family’s picture. Well, there was not a problem with the smiles that they were offering my camera. What seemed to be the problem was the story behind those smiles. I kept on brushing it away the whole shift, but there is no way I can stop the flow. It somehow bothers me.

There was this rich family of five who came to the store this morning. The woman in her mid 40s from the family came to me and asked me to take a picture of them for a holiday card. I gladly nodded, taking the opportunity, and led her, together with her husband, sons, and daughter to where we would take their photo. They settled themselves in front of my camera so well as if they had done the shoot a thousand times. The two teenagers were beside their parents while the youngest child was in between them. I smiled as the weight of my duty became lighter. They already had their smiles plastered on their faces without me reminding them about it. However, something bothered me as I started to count for their picture to be taken. As I was beginning to count, I held my camera in place but lifted my face. I captured an odd picture which was not seen by my camera’s lens. Yes, the family was smiling from ear-to-ear but anyone who would see them right there and then would really have seen the difference between the picture that I captured right before my eyes and the other one which was captured on my camera. What I saw was a distorted family image. The woman, the mother of the kids, was smiling but her eyes told me something else – they were speaking of the loneliness that she was keeping from her family. As I looked at her husband, on the other hand, I saw how he was oblivious to his wife’s loneliness. I guess he is too busy working for his family. His smile and body were there but his mind wasn’t. He had his arm on his eldest son’s shoulders but there was no connection between them. If his son did not look like a younger version of his father, then I would probably think that this man had picked and held some random teenage guy. It hurts to see a picture like that. Meanwhile, the other kids, the girl who seemed to be three years younger than their eldest brother and the boy who looked like a seven-year old, held their mother tightly. How could I have not noticed that relationship before they settled themselves right before my camera! The kids were clearly closer to their mother and each of them in the picture that I have personally captured was longing for a father and a husband.

Meet the Winters

Jack Winter, a policeman, was transferred to the town of Love in the year 2012. He brought his family with him in Love and started a new life in their one-storey house since the 12^th of November 2012. Forty-year old Jack is a hardworking man, but he never fails to attend to his wife and children’s needs. Despite his busy schedule, he still finds time for his family every day, and though he alone works for his family, he makes sure that he provides his family with every necessity. Meanwhile, his thirty-seven-year old wife, Maria S. Winter, is a full-time housewife to her husband and three children. She makes sure that everything at home is okay and is organized. She teaches her children every value and chore that she knows as she wants them to learn to be better. She hates seeing mess that is why her children are doing their best to keep their things organized. Not only that, she hates hearing her son and daughter quarrel that is why both are avoiding arguments because they are already aware of their mom’s attitude towards such. They do not want to stretch their mom’s patience to its limits. Other than those, Maria is an understanding, sweet, and loving mom.

                Jack and Maria have two sons and one daughter. Their eldest is a ten-year old and is named Seven Daniel who is an obedient and kind child. Though he loves playing basketball together with the other children in Love, he still makes sure that he does his chores first before his basketball games. He also makes sure that he comes home before five thirty in the afternoon as promised to his parents. Aside from that, Daniel is a sweet brother who patiently waits for his little sister in coming to and from school, who always gives way to his siblings, and who surprises his little brother with little presents every time he comes home. However, there is a need to be cautious when it comes to his things because Daniel does not want them touched or used without his permission. Meanwhile, his seven-year-old sister, Jasmine Isabella, is quite the opposite of Daniel. She does not care if her things are not in their right places anymore. She can barely remember where she has put her things, since most of the time it is Daniel who keeps her things to keep the house organized and to avoid worrying their mom. If Daniel loves basketball, Jasmine loves soccer on the other hand. Though she does not really play soccer around the neighborhood because she always stays at home, she plays the game in school and she keeps watching soccer games on TV. She gets along very well with Daniel and their baby brother. She is quite boyish and in fact, Jasmine hates wearing skirts but she cannot do away with them, since her school uniform is a set of a blouse and a skirt. Her mom even doubts the preference of their only little girl. Now even if Jasmine is not really the obvious sweet type, she shows her love and care for her family through abiding their house rules, taking care of her baby brother, and respecting their parents and her older brother. Their youngest baby brother who is already three years old and is named Jack Theodore, on the other hand, is the center of everyone’s attention in the house. He is still so young, but he already knows a lot of things and that is all thanks to his loving family. At a very young age, he already knows how to ride a bicycle, and his dad, Jack, taught him that while his mom, Maria, has taught him how to speak and reason out clearly. Meanwhile, Daniel and Jasmine try to set the best influence to Theo. Most of the time Jasmine and Theo are left to play alone and during such times, Jasmine tries to influence Theo in terms of dealing with artistic things, and just like every child, Theo draws his own sort of art which adults usually do not understand. Although that is the case, his family still appreciates his works to motivate him to do and be better. Well, that’s what a family does and that’s the Winters.

A Letter to the Fifteen-Year Old Me

Dear fifteen-year old Sarah,

              How’ve you been? It’s really been a long while.

            I remember you. You were too immature. You were a cry-baby. You easily cry on little things which are not even worth a waste of your tears. You were even too impulsive upon making decisions. You were just too young. You didn’t understand how things work out that’s why you easily get hurt and, much worse, you hurt you yourself alone.

            I feel quite sorry and sad about that, but that was part of growth. You needed those because you need to have regrets and realizations. This is in order to become a better individual who had had her own experiences too and who can talk and act through her own experiences. When you become a grown-up, you realize that it is much better to go through all those because you’d understand life much even better.

            I hope you’re happy you’ve gone through that one heck of a roller coaster ride in your life. Take care. God bless you.

Lovingly yours,                   

19-year old me                   

If I Had One Day Left to Live

            If I only had 24 more hours to live starting this second, then I’d try to make the best out of the time left to me. I know I had not been the best or the greatest person in the world, so I’d start with making up with my family and friends. I want them to remember me in the best way possible. I want them to see me happy though I’ll soon be leaving. I’d want to spend the rest of my day with them in the beach, enjoy the sun, and play around as if it’s the last party they’ll ever attend to. I want their last memory about me to be fun and happy. I wouldn’t want to leave the people I love with loneliness. After spending the day with them, I’d go to a place somewhere special where I’d meet the guy who had my heart ever since time in memorial. I’d tell him or confess to him my real feelings for him. I would not want to leave with regrets, thus it’s better to speak up and tell him about my feelings. After all, he won’t ever see me again. Then, I’d take one last ride on my bike going nowhere and end up in the beach, waiting for another day to start again and my day to end in a sleep.

An Ideal Commitment

             What do I see as an ideal marriage? An ideal marriage to me would be a marriage full of love and faithfulness. It is very simple yet it is too difficult to find nowadays. It’s a commitment that my partner and I would partake. We would vow never to leave each other’s side and to shower everyday with love. Everyday we would make each other feel the love we have inside our marriage. Everyday we would take care of each other. Everyday we would be each other’s best friend; we would share the same secrets. Everyday we would make each other happy and content. Everyday we would make time to spend the day and the night together. Together we would build the same dreams for our own family. Together we would raise and love our children unconditionally. Together we would take care of them. Together we would make them beautiful individuals with values and virtues. Together we would preach the same words of God. And in times of great tests of faith, together we would face the trials on our marriage and our family. Together we would find solutions to our dilemma. Together we would fight for our marriage and keep our family together.

              Along all of these must be respect for each other. We must both respect each other’s decision and weigh everything without prejudice. We would never give up on each other. We would avoid hurting each other. We would be truthful to each other. We would be patient in everything. We would endure in everything in the name of love. Each of us would try to become the best partner to the other. We would sacrifice to save our relationship. We would never think of breaking up or divorce. We would be strong for each other.

To the Beach

            At some points in my life, I just want to disappear and escape my life. At these times, I want to go to the beach and spend some time alone. I want to be with the sea, the waves. I think the beach is the most peaceful comfort I’d ever have. It surely won’t talk. It would just listen. I can even scream at it if I want to. However, I’d prefer to just sit on the sand and stare at it. The silence in the beach is the most comforting company I’d ever have. It’s to the beach I want to go to if the pressure is just too much. However, still, though this is the case, I find myself riding and travelling to no particular direction when everything’s just too much, when I can’t take things anymore. I just want to feel the wind against me and release everything by just driving it all away. Sometimes I just feel that the bike that I am driving and my spirit are one. It’s really a connection that I feel everytime I drive and explore the roads on my own.

If Eyes Were Placed Elsewhere

            If eyes were placed elsewhere, then there would be too much to adjust to. I guess it would be very difficult. And if it’s the case, I wonder if we’d still look as appealing as we are right now. Also, we would get confused as to how stare or look at things and people. I really can’t imagine having our eyes placed elsewhere. If it were placed at the back, then probably we would start practicing walking backwards. If it were placed on our hands, then it would easily get irritated and infected, since our hands hold just whatever without precautions. If it were placed on our shoulders, then there is 99.99% chance of literally bumping into each other as our eyes would be facing the skies above unless if we take too much effort to slouch like a hunchback just to see what’s in front of us. It’s way too unimaginable! There are too many possibilities. However, if this would become a real case, then I guess we just have to adjust, adapt, and practice. We always have to cope up. Whatever happens, it’s a matter of living life.

A Pen

I guess a pen would represent me; the ink is my life. If I were not well taken care of, if I were made to stand and never to rest (in a horizontal position), and if I fall hard on the ground, then I would never work as effectively and as efficiently as I used to when you first held me. Just like a pen, if I fall so hard on the ground, I would work but not that fluidly anymore; you would see how much I’m ruined and shaken inside. If you try to sip my ink back just like what a child would do if his pen won’t work anymore, then try harder because getting me back from where we set off takes a lot of patience and if you do it the wrong way, you might as well regret coming back for me as the ink would spurt in your mouth.

A September I'd Always Remember

            I am very forgetful that I can barely remember what happened to me this month, but I am very certain of one incident that caused why I never forgot the other details of my September 2015. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after I got back from Siquijor on the first of September. He’s actually the ex-boyfriend that I had in senior high school and the man whom I have completely fallen in love with for years now. We’ve been back together just this year, now that he’s already twenty-two while I’m already nineteen.

The recent break-up did not really bother me because we were good friends. I thought everything would still be the same – we would still be the same. Well, I considered a very few changes in terms of communicating each other. Then, we still saw each other and talked to each other. However, an hour or two after the first time we saw each other and talked to each other after the break-up, I did not expect to hear what I had heard from my parents. It hurt me. My parents just saw him with his girlfriend and told me about the painfully infuriating incident.  It hurt me, really. I seriously did not expect that to happen right after we served flirtatious smiles for each other, doubled up good laughs for one another, and had random crazy discussions together. It seriously hurts that until now it makes me cry. Actually, what hurts me the most is the part where my parents had to see it and tell me all about it. My family knows how much I love him. It hurt me. It really did. I kept on wishing what I heard from them was wrong, but when I asked him about it through a text message and though only through a text message, I got really infuriated by the confirmation that he gave me. I did not even want to talk to him at that point. I was really hurt that I even wished he was just kidding or he was not the man whom my parents saw. But that was impossible! My dad really knows the man whom I love. He was so sure.

Nights after that, I’d admit I had always cried. Days after, I’d come to school with an evidence of misery written all over my face. I was really depressed that most of the time I’d end up holding my tears back in public. I was so sad. And unluckily, I still am. I do not know why he had to break my heart just like that. I was not prepared for that. He could have told me so I could have prepared myself! I can’t help but look down to myself though I know I am always good enough. I can’t even help but wonder if his new girlfriend is so much better than me. It’s so sad that sometimes I have to ask myself, “So where’s me who’s so confident about herself, who thinks she’s worthy of love and sincerity?” It’s depressing. I have to go on though my heart’s broken.

I had to hold my tears back after some time in our house because I already felt so embarrassed of repeatedly crying and crying in front of my family. I do not want to hurt them. In school, I had to do my best to act normal – smile, laugh, and joke around with my friends. Also, I had to pretend I was still listening to and interested in whatever is taught in school though it was really hard for me to pretend and concentrate. I was very lonely but God is so good that He makes sure I always have someone with me and I have so much to do that they are all already piled up in mountains as most of the time I am unmotivated to do all those, so they are stuck at the moment. I know He is making ways to make me happy, get motivated, and continue with my life. I really appreciate it, but still, with all honesty, at times I do not feel content. I know I am being mean but I just want to be honest. And I feel so awful for feeling this way. I feel guilty, but I can’t help but feel unhappy. I know I am hard-headed, I want to get things my way, and I am being a brat, but I swear I want to understand this, be open to this, but it’s so hard. It’s unfair, I know. I am sorry but I am not. I am not brave enough. I just want to get through the pain. Lord, help me. Please forgive me.

When there’s no power...

1) Grab a book. Choose a book from your shelf and take time to read it. Books take us to the cheapest movie houses.

2) Go out. Stroll and hang out with some friends.

3) Play. Spend time with the rest of the family and enjoy the moment together.

4) Joyride. Ride and travel in content. Fresh air would do us good.

5) Hike. Hike to a farm in the mountains. Stay and help there.

6) Enjoy the day in the beach. Swim, dive, run, and play in the beach.

7) Write. Write a poem, a short story, or a novel which would speak for us.

8) Sleep. A good sleep makes a good day, a beautiful woman, and a clear head.

9) Make friends in other places. It’s good to have a lot of acquaintances and friends; they cause happiness.

10) Laugh and talk with everyone around. This is the best past time.

11) Answer questions on general knowledge. Aside from having fun, this helps the mind think critically.

12) Cross-stitch, paint, and create artistic crafts. This improves our creativity.

The 15th

                This photo was taken in 2013, and I look very happy here. I remember I really wanted to pose beside that booth entrance. And now this is making me laugh. I can’t believe I was enticed by that booth entrance. Well, that wasn’t how I was supposed to pose and smile. The longer I look at this photo, the more I realize and regret things that weren’t suppose to come or go in ways that they are taking right now.

                Now I see my old hair which was very straight and black. It was even very shiny. Then today it’s not. It’s wavy and highly uncontrollable. Well, anyway, I still love it. It just changed. Then, look at that! I look very tall in this picture which really makes me proud. I really love towering (literally) among others. However, I just look tall here because of my blouse. Well, it’s okay. I’m still tall after all.

Gone and Dead

One day you came,

Thought you brought a game,

Hated you for months,

Cared less in thousandths

But when I got torn,

You saved me like I was born

It blew me like a hurricane

Ironically removing all the pain.

I learned love

Like in the skies above

Brought me too high,

Making me fly,

Always we were together,

We held one another.

I was sure you’d never let go,

but was never sure I’d stoop so low

-    getting away from you

Like you to me would never do.

Left you broken,

Surely all cares were forgotten;

I thought you were fine

But no, I crossed the line,

I was no better –

Thought we could stay away from each other,

Didn’t realize you needed me;

Didn’t know in my life too I needed thee,

Lonely were you but I didn’t know,

I was sorry; regrets took me in a mighty blow.

I came back

But with no luck,

I was too late;

What for me you felt was already hate.

You pushed me away,

Almost begged to you to let me stay,

There agony was,

Loneliness and regrets contained as I must.

In years I tried,

I pretended and lied

To myself that I be in content

With a heart not bent.

But fortune was there,

God would always care,

Got it healed,

Moved on and faced life in the field

Then came one day

Sooner than your birthday,

I decided to surprise you

As what a friend – an old friend – would do

To make you happy

-    a part of saying sorry.

Thought I was really ready for one comeback,

But was wrong when I heard one knock –

It was the feeling –

That for years I had been keeping.

Suddenly then everything came in,

It’s love spelled back just like what it had been.

Panic rushed,

Had excuses so it’d be washed

But excuses got me no excuse

When everything turned loose,

He got me so captivated,

Then again we dated

But it became strange;

I really expected a lot to change

But then hated when it eventually happened,

My cheeks got usually dampened

And I’d always asked then

To him what did ever happen,

What have I done?

He’s changed like I didn’t expect he can.

It was one single thread –

Holding us together until we bled;

I kept holding on

Though I know I weighed a ton

That the thread can never pull

While he was acting like a fool

He left me in a snap

-    thought I’d forget it in a nap

And in stupidity I thought

Still it’d be the same – everything he brought—

It’d be alright

Like there’s still light.

Then there’s a big “no”

For me to know:

Everything was a fantasy,

No more he and me,

He got me torn

Like he hasn’t even got me reborn,

Nothing has he got to remember

When it’s my heart he tore in September

Didn’t realize that one day he’s sure

He’d leave me without Love’s cure;

Didn’t know his reasons,

Was it time?

Or is it just the two of us with no rhyme?

Surprise was no word to describe,

To Hades my soul I’d even bribe

To forget the pain inside

Have him again by my side

But then agony

Has known me

No stopping,

Fluidly it’s taking

My soul which knows all pain,

Suffering  forever in bane.

I’m no glad,

Know forever I think I’d be this sad,

In nights I cry in silence

In mornings loud in defense

Of grief rushing, taking me over

Like not in the world would matter;

Now the me in me is already in bed

                Long gone and dead.